The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out only two hours later with a badly beaten badger. The animal is yelling, “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. There were twelve disciples, not ten.
4. The communion wafer is consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not generally referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper He said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorise your favourite poem.
3. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, “I love you”, mean it.
5. When you say, “I’m sorry”, look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say “bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realise you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray. There’s immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don’t trust a man/woman who doesn’t close his/her eyes when you kiss.
38. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth’s greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Here are some signs and notices written in ‘English’ that were discovered around the world.

In a Tokyo hotel:
“It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing please not to read this notice.”

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
“The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.”

In a Leizpig elevator:
“Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.”

In a hotel in Athens:
“Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily.”

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
“You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
“You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday”

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
“Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”

Outside a Hong Kond tailor shop:
“Ladies may have a fit upstairs.”

In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:
“Drop you trousers here for the best results.”

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
“Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.”

In a Zurich hotel:
“Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.”

In a Rome laundry:
“Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.”

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
“We take your bags and send them in all directions.”

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
“Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”

In an Acapulco hotel:
“The manager has personally passed all the water served here.”

In the office of a Rome doctor:
“Specialist in women and other diseases.”

The seven basic types of chain letters

Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

Really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please…. they’ll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you moron!!!

Something else! Quick!!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?

STOP!!!!

Wasn’t that fun? Hope you made a great wish.

Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be attacked by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. it’s true!

Because, you know, this letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS ONE IS TRUE!!

Really!!! Here’s how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*5-10 people: 5-10 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*10-20 people: 10-20 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*20 to 674,951 people: 20 to 674,951 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter.

You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no head, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Headless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull.

So go on, reach out, Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.

Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897.

This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters.

So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like…

Stupid Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of raw sewage, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died.

This Could Happen To You!!!

Stupid Horror Story #2

Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his girlfriend. They both died. Their families were so upset that anyone even remotely related to them (even by marriage) went crazy and spent the rest of their miserable lives in an institution.

This Could Happen To You!!!

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be OK.

Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
Friends

A friend is someone who is always at your side,

A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a refuse from a rotting garbage dump

A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re disgustingly ugly

A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself

A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,

A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be attacked by a mad goat and then thrown in a pile of manure,

A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn’t speak much English, no sorry that’s the cleaning lady,

A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll be eaten by wild goats.

Chain Letter Type 5:

This e-mail is wicked-cool! It was started by Microsoft to test its e-mail tracking system because, you know, a big high-tech company like Microsoft always sends important new software out over the internet to be available to any moron who can operate a computer, right?

Plus, they have formed a secret merger with Disney Corp., who has agreed to give up millions of dollars in revenue by giving everyone who reads this e-mail, passes it on, looks at it, knows someone that looked at it, or is related to someone who is a friend of someone who looks at it A FREE, ALL-EXPENSES-PAID TRIP to Disneyland, DisneyWorld, or EuroDisney!

So pass this on to everyone you know that is gullible enough to believe this (or not)! Even if it’s not true, hey - insulting all of your friends by implying that they are gullible by sending this to them is worth the improbable chance that you could go to Disneyland!

Even if you lose all of your friends because they are tired of receiving this kind of junk from you, it’s worth the chance, right?

AND just for good measure, if you don’t send this on, Microsoft will send its specially trained attack-goats to pilfer your house and eat all of your family, SO SEND IT ON!!!!!

Chain Letter Type 6:

VIRUS WARNING!!!

If you receive an email entitled “Badtimes,” delete it immediately.

Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law’s number.

And so on and so forth…

So be careful! Forward this to all of your friends, relatives, neighbours, family, enemies, plumbers, garbagemen, stock brokers, doctors, and any other acquaintances! It’s for their own good!

Thank you.

Chain Letter Type 7:

Here is a cute picture I drew.

J

It is the head of a decapitated angel. Send it on to all of your friends so it will brighten their day like it did yours! If you don’t, demon-possessed goats will move into your house and eat all of your socks, leading you to believe that something is wrong with your washing machine because all of your socks keep disappearing.

Have a nice day!!!

There. Now that we’ve covered and dumped on the seven main types of chain letters, onto the ironic part:

In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don’t think it was funny at all, please don’t bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don’t, I don’t care, but why not show this around? Take two minutes and forward it.

Thanks!

Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it. If it’s a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it’s gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the goatless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of raw sewage) just delete it.

Do yourself a favour, and everyone else in the world, and say…

DEATH TO CHAIN LETTERS!!