Advice to American Tourists in England
Vocabulary
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as “goolies” in slang, so you should for instance say “I’d love to come to the pub but I haven’t got any goolies.” “Quid” is the modern word for what was once called a “shilling” — the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called “wellies” and friends are called “tossers.” If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a “great tosser” — he will be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
Habits
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a “wank.” As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a wank — everyone will understand and forgive you.
Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are “in the know” — one of the inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you’ve requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as “cottaging.” Many of the boats (called “yer-i-nals”) are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it’s a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today’s robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty’s seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won’t settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant’s list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn’t, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia — try an Ely ’84 or Ripon ’88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty’s Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell “I think not, you charlatan!”, then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons’ requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are “pence”), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: “Please take me to the British Library.” A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn’t go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you’re not so ignorant!). Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. Don’t forget that buses are called “prams” in England, and trains are called “bumbershoots”–it’s a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called “lorries” and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the “off-license”. It’s also very important to know that a “doctor” only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an “MP” (which stands for “master physician”). For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement “Mind the Gappe!” is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say “Subway” and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
One final note:
For preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization — the “shin” stands for “shalom”). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.
July 31st, 2005 at 12:23
I hope to God no one reads this and believes it!
August 23rd, 2005 at 20:12
I hope my fellow americans DO read it and believe it!
January 19th, 2007 at 12:03
Brightened up my day! Especially mind the ‘Gappe!’
February 18th, 2007 at 12:23
a wank wow i hope surely n one believes this
March 18th, 2007 at 15:28
Haha, that was funny. I wasn’t sure if this was a real or not because of the unknown “slang” … but then I read the ‘Universities’ section about ‘medieval rules.’ *still laughing*
March 20th, 2007 at 11:17
The uk sounds really complex, for a island though I guess that would be the case.
Those taxi drivers sound like jerks, I’m going to london in a few months time so (wanted to go there ever since I was a kid) I’ll look out for them. A bobby is a cop right? Don’t they get annoyed if you just call them over?
April 20th, 2007 at 19:50
omg… HAHAHHA i was laughing for EVER after i read this!!!!! “um. sorry im late guys. i was having a wank. it was a good one actually, u kno, nice and long, no interuptions…” Laugh my frigging arse off!!!!!!!!!!! ahem, and “you’re a great TOSSER!!!!!” L.O.L.
advice, this is *hilarious* , but unless u want ur arse royally screwed over there, DONT BELIEVE A SINGLE BLOODY WORD OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 25th, 2007 at 11:18
Laughed at the wank part. If any American does actually believe this then OH DEAR, HAHA.
July 26th, 2007 at 08:11
Only about the first sentence of this article is true, but it’s bloody funny for anyone from England
February 28th, 2008 at 12:49
i love the “Shin Fane ” bit!that had me in fits!thanks for the laugh!god help the people who believe this!
May 30th, 2008 at 16:24
This had me in stitches! So Funny! Especially since yesterday soem American tourists were lumbering around Belfast, asking people where London was! Then they asked me if I was a lephrechaun. Whatever!
August 2nd, 2008 at 20:48
these are great tips, you should print ‘em and pass complimentary copies out to the tourists as they get on the tube.
August 18th, 2008 at 11:55
Disclosure: I am an American, but watch far too much BBC programming to get fooled. Heh, wonder which poor guy gets 75p instead of his 5 pounds…
August 18th, 2008 at 13:03
This is awesome! Hopefully Social Darwinism will take care of those who believe it.
August 18th, 2008 at 21:19
Luckily, I noticed this was fake when I got to the first “slang”. xD
Goolies. Hah.
August 20th, 2008 at 03:06
Not all Americans are stupid, you know (and I’m definitely not trying to imply that all are smart, either…I’ve met my fair share). Just had to get that out. That being said, I got to the first slang word and figured it out…never even been overseas, and don’t even really know anyone from England.
Very silly though, I have to say. Anyone that falls for this definitely deserves it!
August 20th, 2008 at 08:05
This is hilarious
August 20th, 2008 at 15:21
Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are.
Oh dear god, imagine if someone actually did that!
Great laugh man.
August 23rd, 2008 at 05:21
YOU LIED!!!!!!!
August 23rd, 2008 at 16:11
after that big meal, i could really go for a wank
August 23rd, 2008 at 17:28
kind of fail.
Americans use the word “wank” as well as “urinal”.
the point is not to assume the audience is stupid, but just completely oblivious to your country’s specific customs.
the tosser, goolies, BSE, wine and about half the travel section are believable, but the rest is pretty obvious bunk.
August 23rd, 2008 at 19:55
Now I’m going to have to find out what half the terms in this article really mean. I caught on with the quid and knew I was being had by the time I got to the wank.
QUOTE: “Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.” I live in Southern California, so I’ll feel right at home.
August 25th, 2008 at 16:16
I don’t know what you guys are talking about – this is all true.
August 28th, 2008 at 02:44
Innocents abroad: may God have mercy on your souls!
August 29th, 2008 at 03:38
This actually had me going until the BSE meat. I spent a few years in Germany and the whole while up to BSE, I was thinking, “This is weird but reasonable considering what the Germans think.”
August 31st, 2008 at 23:52
I understood most of these jokes, and they are hilarious. However, due to the fact that I am not from Britain, some of these are still a bit confusing to me. Could anyone in the know shed some light on some of these jokes?
September 6th, 2008 at 19:17
my trip to england followed this ‘guide’ thoroughly, resulting in one of the most awkward experiences ever experienced.
September 7th, 2008 at 19:35
Which ones mate?
September 9th, 2008 at 04:54
Saddest and funniest thing is that some dumb american would believe this and institute it without question
shame on the first few comments for not joining the joke..
Besides its not like americans need any help to be stupid tourists
September 12th, 2008 at 15:51
I’m gonna go have a wank now.
September 17th, 2008 at 17:11
I’m just a dumbass American, and don’t know nothin’ ’bout no other countries and such, but I know what a ‘wank’ is! You had me up until that point, by golly.
Hu-yuck Hu-yuck. I guess that’s what I get for being a ‘Yankee’ right? [Considering the fact that calling me a Yankee would actually be an insult and very confusing. I'm from the deep south of America. And I honestly only know like 3 yankees.]
I swear to the Flying Spaghetti Monster above [May sauce be upon him], if you believe ANY of what I said above [That isn't in brackets] I will fucking smite you.
September 19th, 2008 at 04:59
The afternoon wank sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll have a go at that one.
October 3rd, 2008 at 10:22
Received this link from a friend. Hilarious. I am an American, but luckily not one of the REALLY stupid ones. But for kicks, I sent this around the office (of course to the people I don’t like) you should hear the folks calling each other great tossers. I can’t help but laugh every time I hear it. It’s been a few days now…I suppose I should come clean and tell them all the truth.
But… it’s so much fun
October 9th, 2008 at 16:17
Those Americans have some funny ideas – I am amazed some of people posting here think this is a spoof. It is all good advice so don’t listen to them!
I had a jolly good wank this afternoon and so I haven’t got the energy for any cottaging this evening. So I am off to the pub with my mates, where I will let the barmaid handle my goolies
October 14th, 2008 at 19:56
Hahahaha!
Due to the fact that I really don’t know anything about British slang, I thought it was real until I got to the holding hands and “Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.” part.
Hey, Americans may be fat, but we are not stupid!
October 18th, 2008 at 14:42
There are quite a few people over here who would believe this…and to be honest, I think it’d be hilarious! Fortunately for them, they aren’t exactly the type who would be able to find a blog like this ; )
October 25th, 2008 at 18:08
As an American, I can say that my fellow countrymen would, for the most part, believe everything in this blog. They don’t even know anything about the history and geography of their own state of nation and have been trained by the media (print and TV/radio) to believe everything they are told and to question nothing. Sad, but true, American are dumb, self-centered and willfully ignorant.
And you know that dozens of Americans will do exactly as you suggest, and wonder why these dang Brits don’t get it. I just wish I could watch it.
October 26th, 2008 at 03:44
Haha, I moved to the U.S. when I was 14 (I’m now 16), and I totally know a few people who would read this and believe it… I mean, someone actually asked me “do you speak English in England” last week.
November 26th, 2008 at 17:00
lmao love it, Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. i think i may have just wet my pants with laughter.
December 31st, 2008 at 13:13
All completely true.
March 26th, 2009 at 17:59
Haha, this is brilliant, if somebody started incorporating these words into speech i’d think they had gone totally mad!
April 7th, 2009 at 19:28
I would LOVE for somebody to announce they’re a member of “Shin Fane” lol that would be THE silence of awkward silences.
For those that don’t know “Shin Fane” was once the political section of the IRA.
April 16th, 2009 at 05:49
In NZ “goolies” are big rocks that you get stuck on when driving. Ie a big goolie is a boulder. And a tosser is an insult implying that the insulted party jerks off.
July 18th, 2010 at 05:36
Oh God I want to see someone ask a waiter for BSE beef. And I would love to hear someone say: “Sorry I’m late I was having a wank”